If Only You Could See Me Now
by Katieshmatee
Summary: Bella got tired of the bullying in seventh grade. She moved away with her mother leaving her father and twin brother behind. Her mother sends her back to them after her boyfriend Jacob commits suicide, what will happen when she meets a certain bronze haired man... on Haitus


__**A/N: ****I know I suck at summaries. Don't hold it against me please. This I my first story on this site so I hope I do well .Here it is. And I'm sorry if it sucks let me know please! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight- no matter how much I want to, and some of the characters. The plot and some characters are mine. **

_Jacob_

_I hate you_

_I hate you because you lied to me_

_You told me I wasn't beautiful_

_That I was insignificant and worthless_

_You left me _

_You killed yourself_

_I didn't know what to do as I sat over your body and cried_

_I cried because I loved you_

_I still do_

_I love you_

_I love you because you held me_

_You told me the truth_

_You said I was beautiful and important_

_I love you because I was healing you_

_All the things that you went through_

_Your sister being anorexic_

_Your little brother hanging himself_

_Your ex-girlfriend getting pregnant with you older brother_

_Your parents getting divorced_

_You told me not to cry_

_You saw crying as weakness_

_But you cried and I held you_

_I listened to you cry every night_

_I smiled and laughed mostly fake_

_But you and everyone else believed me_

_I was so young and you gave me all your troubles_

_I couldn't handle it_

_You ignored me toward the end _

_You just focused on the pain you were feeling_

_You were going crazy and I didn't know what to do_

_I try to forget you but you run my life you death creeping in the back of my mind _

_Your voice talking to me_

_I think I'm going crazy too_

_And sometimes I wish you had taken me with you when you died_

_I'm ashamed of all the things you did to me_

_You raped me, you beat me._

_You made me feel beautiful too though_

_You healed me after you hurt me _

_And when you worshipped my body you made me feel like the only girl in the world_

_I hope you still love me I really do_

_I hope you are waiting for me _

_I'm yours_

_Isabella Swan_

This is the note I left for you on your grave the day before I moved in with my father, Charlie, the Chief of Police in Forks. You are my ex-boyfriend who would be graduating college today if you hadn't committed suicide on your 21st birthday, 8 months ago. Since then I got through tenth grade, I completed all my required therapy for my mother but I would have done it in order to get away from my mother and her newest husband Phil who after 9 months were both still in the "Honeymoon Phase". But anyway you were 5 years older but Mom didn't like you so we ended up having to sneak around. She didn't even notice- because of Phil- that I snuck out every night to go to you. Some great mother huh? You usually got drunk and called me a worthless slut or something of the sort but I always knew when you were drunk so I forgave you. You picked me up from school every day and all the girls found out you was in college and they hated me for it. They on multiple occasions tried to hurt me after school only each time to be stopped by you and I couldn't help but be smug about it. I miss that feeling the power and satisfaction at seeing the popular ones running at the sight of you with me. But I still remember that night the one time in my life when I was with you that I never felt smug or satisfied.

I had snuck out once again, and I walked straight through the woods where your apartment complex was. I used the key you had given me on our 1 month anniversary to get through the door. And went to your bedroom where you always waited for me. When I walked in I saw you. Your shirt was off and you were spread across the massive room on your back. Your arms and sides were bloody, and you were unconscious. I saw the bloody knife next to your hands the bottle of drugs empty on the dresser. I screamed, and brought my hands up to my hands up to my eyes trying to stop the tears from coming to the surface. I grabbed my cell phone from my pocket and dialed 911 as fast as I could. They picked up and I gave the address silently yelling at them to hurry. I went over to your side thoroughly disturbed that I was sitting in a pool of my boyfriend's blood. Eventually the police came peeling me off of you and taking you from me. They called my mother and she was furious that I was still seeing you and that I snuck out every night to see you. But I couldn't care less.

The doctors told me you lost too much blood and while on an overdose it all killed you. I couldn't get it out of my mind. You killed yourself. It just didn't add up. You never told me you felt this way. You never said anything about this to me. And maybe if you had I wouldn't be alone and you wouldn't be dead now. Maybe if you had I wouldn't cry myself to sleep alone every night to dream about crying over you in a pool of your blood.

Don't get me wrong I still hate you. After all you left me feeling dirty for falling asleep in your blood, worthless for not preventing this, ugly for you not wanting to talk about this with me, and slutty for letting you take my virginity when you were planning this all along. You made me feel everything you called me as you died, it was worse than any of the times you hit me, every time you forced yourself on me, and all the heartbreak I've gone through. But when I think about it I hated you for all the reasons I loved you. I hated you for all the pain you caused me. But it was the pain that reminded me that I was still alive to feel things. You said you loved me and I believed it but now I know that you did lie to me because if you did you wouldn't have cut yourself or overdosed on drugs. I love you and that is why I will miss you, forever.

From my hatred in Phoenix to my misery in Forks. Forks will kill me if it didn't stop raining. Phoenix only rained only a few times a year, here it rains almost constantly. I did want to leave Phoenix but preferably not to Forks, but what choice do I have now? I looked out the window anxious to fly far away to the place completely different than Phoenix.

**A/N: Review please and recommend too!**

**I won't be putting thousands of author's notes in between chapters (hate that) and I'm sorry this has taken so long to repost this story second chapter should be up in a couple days. It is a long one so get your reading glasses. And I'll go get my finer splints cuz I have to type it all. Joy!**


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